MEMOIR BY TIMEEA HOZAN
It was a mistake it had to be! This could not be happening ! How could a simple six-lettered word tear my life apart and change my world forever. The throbbing definition of this word struck our family leaving nothing behind but destruction and pain. I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel much less how I should react; it was supposed to be the best day of my life I was turning 13. It was my first day as a “teen” but instead of feeling excited and happy I felt cold and empty. I knew that this six letter word ruined many lives but I did not believe that it could happen to my family. It all started on April third with a phone call that changed our perspective on life. This particular six-lettered word known as cancer took the lives of many innocent people one of them being a beloved family member - my grandma.
Although it was completely unfair and my grandmother did not deserve to have to fight this battle, she decided she would not go down without a fight. I could not imagine life without her. She was the glue that kept us all together. The person giving us hope when we were suppose to be giving it to her. One conversation that will stick with me forever was held a few days before her diagnosis.
“ Grandma do you promise to come to my wedding when I grow up?” I questioned afraid that the answer was not going to be in my favor.
“Ooh Child! if I am alive and well I would not miss it for the world. but let us not think about that now.” Grandma stated with a chuckle.
I loathed thinking of the possibility that she wasn’t going to be around but I did. I didn’t think that way purposely but those horrible thoughts invaded my mind. I attempted to be strong when I found out about her diagnosis. I really did. However this battle threw me to my hands and knees every time I tried to fight it. Falling down was one thing but getting up was a totally different thing because every time I heard the word cancer death automatically took over my thoughts.
A week after her passing my grandfather called us all over for a family dinner, but it didn’t feel right. I felt like I shouldn’t be there. Her clothes were still in her room and everything was just the way she left it . It felt like her presence still lingered throughout the house. I was traumatized I could not accept the fact that she was no longer among us. That was the day my nightmares started, every night for the next month I would dream of her cooking in our kitchen, hosting our massive family dinners, walking in the park all the normal things we use to do together. However these things became a burden and I would wake up every day crying myself a river and realizing all over again that I was never going to see her again. I was so angry at the people who tried to console me, I was angry at the doctors but most of all I was furious with God. I did not pray that night or the night after. I thought that I was teaching God a lesson. I mean wouldn’t you? He ripped me away from the person who always had my back, who loved me , but most importantly who made me a promise she wouldn’t be able to keep anymore. My grandma would never be able to be present for my wedding day and that thought felt like someone just shoved a hundred knives through my heart. She was gone. During all this time I only had two questions for God although I knew that I would never receive the answers - “Why Her? Why Now?”
“She’s in a better place, she’s home now” My loved ones tried making me feel better by repeating these words, hoping that they would eventually get in embedded into my head. But it was no use. I refused to accept that she was “home” because home wasn’t in the grave, or in heaven, home was with me. Home was where I needed her. I took me many months to finally accept the fact that my Grandma had passed away and that she truly was in a better place now. The hurt and the pain had managed to blind me and made it impossible to see that my grandmother wasn’t gone. She was everywhere! By my side when I failed, letting me know that everything was going to be alright. In my bed while I cried,giving me a sense of hope. She never left me she was there all along, every step of the way. Her body may have left but her spirit was there letting me know that I will get better in time. It was then that I realized that God didn’t take her way to punish us but rather to take her pain away. If I hadn't been so selfish I would have realized this much sooner. My grandmother never left she was there all along.
I learned a valuable lesson from the struggles of losing her. I wasn’t the same person after that, I changed I saw the world differently, I valued life differently. I learned to take my grandmothers death as a motivation rather than a punishment. Yes I lost my best friend, my hero, but I wasn’t going to hide in a corner for the rest of my life debating the “what ifs’ or the “if onlys.” I wasn’t going to allow that to happen because I knew my grandma would never approve. Just like her I refuse to go down without a fight. I am her granddaughter, and we are fighters. She suffered through her pain, while I suffered through my grief but enough was enough I had to do something. Cancer had won yet again, but that didn’t matter.My grandmother had fought an impossible battle and although some people say she lost, from where I’m standing she won it. She didn’t give up and now she is in a better place. My grandmother always wanted me to finish University, then start a family and live a long happy life. My only wish is that she would have been here to watch me grow and accomplish my goals. However she’s now standing in heaven watching down on me saying “That’s my girl!” I will not give up! I will make her proud!
It was a mistake it had to be! This could not be happening ! How could a simple six-lettered word tear my life apart and change my world forever. The throbbing definition of this word struck our family leaving nothing behind but destruction and pain. I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel much less how I should react; it was supposed to be the best day of my life I was turning 13. It was my first day as a “teen” but instead of feeling excited and happy I felt cold and empty. I knew that this six letter word ruined many lives but I did not believe that it could happen to my family. It all started on April third with a phone call that changed our perspective on life. This particular six-lettered word known as cancer took the lives of many innocent people one of them being a beloved family member - my grandma.
Although it was completely unfair and my grandmother did not deserve to have to fight this battle, she decided she would not go down without a fight. I could not imagine life without her. She was the glue that kept us all together. The person giving us hope when we were suppose to be giving it to her. One conversation that will stick with me forever was held a few days before her diagnosis.
“ Grandma do you promise to come to my wedding when I grow up?” I questioned afraid that the answer was not going to be in my favor.
“Ooh Child! if I am alive and well I would not miss it for the world. but let us not think about that now.” Grandma stated with a chuckle.
I loathed thinking of the possibility that she wasn’t going to be around but I did. I didn’t think that way purposely but those horrible thoughts invaded my mind. I attempted to be strong when I found out about her diagnosis. I really did. However this battle threw me to my hands and knees every time I tried to fight it. Falling down was one thing but getting up was a totally different thing because every time I heard the word cancer death automatically took over my thoughts.
A week after her passing my grandfather called us all over for a family dinner, but it didn’t feel right. I felt like I shouldn’t be there. Her clothes were still in her room and everything was just the way she left it . It felt like her presence still lingered throughout the house. I was traumatized I could not accept the fact that she was no longer among us. That was the day my nightmares started, every night for the next month I would dream of her cooking in our kitchen, hosting our massive family dinners, walking in the park all the normal things we use to do together. However these things became a burden and I would wake up every day crying myself a river and realizing all over again that I was never going to see her again. I was so angry at the people who tried to console me, I was angry at the doctors but most of all I was furious with God. I did not pray that night or the night after. I thought that I was teaching God a lesson. I mean wouldn’t you? He ripped me away from the person who always had my back, who loved me , but most importantly who made me a promise she wouldn’t be able to keep anymore. My grandma would never be able to be present for my wedding day and that thought felt like someone just shoved a hundred knives through my heart. She was gone. During all this time I only had two questions for God although I knew that I would never receive the answers - “Why Her? Why Now?”
“She’s in a better place, she’s home now” My loved ones tried making me feel better by repeating these words, hoping that they would eventually get in embedded into my head. But it was no use. I refused to accept that she was “home” because home wasn’t in the grave, or in heaven, home was with me. Home was where I needed her. I took me many months to finally accept the fact that my Grandma had passed away and that she truly was in a better place now. The hurt and the pain had managed to blind me and made it impossible to see that my grandmother wasn’t gone. She was everywhere! By my side when I failed, letting me know that everything was going to be alright. In my bed while I cried,giving me a sense of hope. She never left me she was there all along, every step of the way. Her body may have left but her spirit was there letting me know that I will get better in time. It was then that I realized that God didn’t take her way to punish us but rather to take her pain away. If I hadn't been so selfish I would have realized this much sooner. My grandmother never left she was there all along.
I learned a valuable lesson from the struggles of losing her. I wasn’t the same person after that, I changed I saw the world differently, I valued life differently. I learned to take my grandmothers death as a motivation rather than a punishment. Yes I lost my best friend, my hero, but I wasn’t going to hide in a corner for the rest of my life debating the “what ifs’ or the “if onlys.” I wasn’t going to allow that to happen because I knew my grandma would never approve. Just like her I refuse to go down without a fight. I am her granddaughter, and we are fighters. She suffered through her pain, while I suffered through my grief but enough was enough I had to do something. Cancer had won yet again, but that didn’t matter.My grandmother had fought an impossible battle and although some people say she lost, from where I’m standing she won it. She didn’t give up and now she is in a better place. My grandmother always wanted me to finish University, then start a family and live a long happy life. My only wish is that she would have been here to watch me grow and accomplish my goals. However she’s now standing in heaven watching down on me saying “That’s my girl!” I will not give up! I will make her proud!